30 Days of SPAM

Allllriiighhttt!

2007-09-06T08:36:00.000-05:00

I can't take it anymore! Life without SPAM is too ordinary! I feel like Billy Ray Valentine - given such a sweet taste of the high life. I don't wanna go back!

It's been 9 days and I'm at home each night rocking back and forth in the corner like some kind of SPAM junkie. This can't end. It won't.

And maybe it doesn't have to... maybe I throw the occasional story or recipe up here - with no obligation - and we all keep living the dream! Then we SPAMFANS can stick together!

I'm just thinking out loud here, but how about I open it up... say you cook up a SPAM meal - email me a photo and the recipe and I'll post it!

We'll start a SPAM community, roll it into a club, and eventually become an extremely dangerous gang!

Is anyone with me on this?!

60 Days of SPAM?

2007-08-29T12:44:00.000-05:00

Probably not a good idea.

It's over. Honestly, I'm a little bummed. You wouldn't think thirty days is enough to get nostalgic about, but it's been a long journey. So many emotional highs and lows...

You remember.

I get the "will you keep eating SPAM?" question a lot these days, and my answer- for the record- is "you're damn right I will."

I'll miss sharing it with you though.

I'm going to put together a recipe book from my adventure - something handmade. You're welcome to have one. Email me if you're interested and I'll shoot you some info.

I guess that's about it.

Take care, my fellow SPAMFANS.

The Last Supper

2007-08-28T20:28:00.001-05:00

We just finished a feast unlike anything you've ever eaten before - my entire family. I can't even do it justice with words... I'm just going to have to post an on-slaught of photos.

Here goes...

There were SPAM Potato Balls:

And Barbecued SPAM:

Fried SPAM Cubes were there:

And so was SPAM Prosciutto:

As well as SPAM Tortilla Rollups:

And a SPAM Stuffed Baguette:

A little bit of SPAM Stuffed Jalepenos:

And even some SPAM Sushi:

Which landed me with the well-filled plate seen here:

It's a lot to process, I know. But I think I owed it to SPAM. Now I need to go lie down.

I'll post some final words tomorrow...

The breakfast finale

2007-08-28T11:12:00.001-05:00

Well you may have heard me cooking breakfast today... because I did it on the radio!

That's right. Pat & JT and I whipped up SPAM Breakfast Burritos inside the Q98 studio. We may have used the smallest George Foreman grill in the world too... but it came together smoothly.

The grill is definitely ruined, but the burritos were fantastic.

Pat even ate one with me... and I watched him do it! He didn't ball it up in napkin or anything!

Anyway it's a pretty good start to my day of finales:

Thanks, guys!

Crying into my kabobs

2007-08-27T23:23:00.000-05:00

I felt like I was eating in mourning tonight... like I was at a post-funeral dinner or something. Woebegone and teary-eyed. That's what day 29 does to a man, I suppose.

And it wasn't the meal.

My dad grilled SPAM Kabobs that could change your life:

I just don't think my life is ready for change.

Casserole in the sky with diamonds

2007-08-27T16:30:00.000-05:00

Picture yourself in a bowl at a simmer,
With medium heat and spices nearby
A warm oven calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A dish with the power of pie.

Chopped up SPAM pieces, soup and grated cheese
Pouring in over your head.
Look for dish with the steam in the air,
And she's gone.

Casserole in the sky with diamonds
Casserole in the sky with diamonds
Casserole in the sky with diamonds
Ah... Ah...

Shhh... I hear you, John Lennon... I hear you.

Life in the upper class

2007-08-26T15:04:00.000-05:00

Two and a half more days... then I return to the less lavish world of mediocre meats.

That's a sad reality.

It's also a strange reality - that sneaking conveniently packaged meat into weddings and restaurants is now my perception of luxury and class... wow.

Maybe we oughta just let that one go.

And I'll refrain from talking about this regalement:

The SPAM Pasta hail mary

2007-08-25T22:51:00.000-05:00

I had high hopes for dinner tonight. A fellow SPAMFAN sent me a recipe for a SPAM pasta with spicy peanut butter sauce, and I was pumped.

So pumped apparently, that I threw out my cooking instructions after purchasing the ingredients yesterday. Go figure.

Of course, I didn't realize this until dinner was underway.

It wouldn't have been a big deal if I wasn't mixing vinegar, peanut butter and hot sauce... but I'd say in this situation, measurements were pretty freaking critical.

Anyway, it was too late and I was left to winging it.

I can't tell you what happened - the whole memory is a blur. I was adding liquids to thin out the sauce, and then again to fix the taste, and then I was adding more peanut butter to thicken it back up. It was too spicy, then too sour... you get the idea.

And right as I was about to give up and eat my SPAM Pasta sans the sauce, everything clicked.

Suddenly I had this:

And I... cannot even tell you... how unbelievably good it was.

Or ever try to remake it for that matter.

The best I can probably do is give you the list of ingredients and let you play the part of the blind sow.

And then say good luck, little warrior... good luck.

Ingredients:
Fettucini noodles, SPAM Classic, red and yellow peppers, cilantro, peanut butter, seasoned vinegar, hot sauce, water

It's all gone a little too far

2007-08-24T09:21:00.000-05:00

I used the leftovers from my SPAM Breakfast Bagel this morning to make this:

Which is a pretty awesome SPAM Robot.

Or was awesome... until this happened:

Kentucky Fried SPAM

2007-08-23T22:45:00.000-05:00

I have this friend of a friend, whose uncle knows this guy whose brother used to date this girl whose cousin worked at Kentucky Friend Chicken - and she gave me this recipe:

It could've only been better in a 10-piece bucket.

Big bites

2007-08-23T12:23:00.000-05:00

I had SPAM Stroganoff for lunch today - a real man's meal. Which meant loud noises and bigger bites.

As seen here:

And now my stomach is at what must be maximum capacity. Because even though this bowl doesn't look large:

It's at least a gallon of noodles. I'm guesstimating on my measurements, but trust me - it's a lot.

Sidenote: The daily SPAM aroma is going over really well here at the office.

The gift horse

2007-08-22T23:43:00.000-05:00

I can't take any credit for the following SPAM Calzone. And I'm not even gonna try. I have a feeling someone would call me on it and be like, "that's not even your style!" - (like I've been doing this long enough that you all recognize the way I my mark leavened bread).

Anyway, Ashley made the calzone... the truth is out.

Which I found suspicious. Vegetarian wife who is sick of husband eating SPAM offers to cook it for him? I had to do the trick where I pretend to take a bite and watch her reaction when I "swallow" to find out if she had poisoned me.

Which- looking back- was probably wrong... but only because I didn't collapse while eating.

Anyway, the SPAM Calzone was delicious. And I think it's safe to say that this:

Turned out much better than whatever I would've made.

Nothing but hallelujahs

2007-08-22T11:45:00.000-05:00

You guys may or may not share my enthusiasm for the miracle that is canned meat - and that's alright - but I think we should all be celebrating this:

Because SPAMFAN or not, this book has the answers to your questions.

I, for one, will savoring it anyway - for my final six and a half days. So I'll let you know how it goes.

Based on a first glance, I think it may hit pretty close to home:

Reluctantly, "SPAM in a Blanket"

2007-08-21T19:35:00.000-05:00

I'm calling this SPAM in a Blanket despite the fact that I don't agree with the name. Personally, when I'm in a blanket, I don't like to be swaddled like a baby. I don't think I should have to worry about waking up as a moth... that's just how I feel.

SPAM in a Cocoon... SPAM in a Body Cast... these are names I could get behind. But SPAM in a Blanket - I'm not buying it.

I will only call it that for the sake of the readers - who may be extremely confused by a title like SPAM in Dough Spandex.

The point is that I made 6 of these:

By entombing SPAM spears inside some easy-bake croissants.
And all naming issues aside, they were quite tasty.

Leftovers

2007-08-21T12:32:00.000-05:00

I'll confess that I had meatloaf again today, but I only did it because I was having company for lunch. And it was the kind of company that brings television cameras, so I thought SPAM should look its best.

Anyway, I don't think I have to tell you how well that went. But look for the video sometime next week.

And did you know it's day 23 now? That thought keeps haunting me. I feel like I'm already saying goodbyes. It's like the end of summer camp.

The summer camp where none of your friends went and you were nervous and maybe cried when mom and dad dropped you off, but then you met some new kids and learned how to weave baskets and make flotation devices using your jeans and you had a crush on that little red-head and it ended up being the greatest summer in the world and when you got back all your old friends just weren't the same...

You know how summer camps go.

Anyway, that's how I'm feeling.

Chili con SPAM said the funniest thing at lunch today

2007-08-20T13:08:00.001-05:00

Weddings are easy

2007-08-19T22:31:00.000-05:00

It's nice because I'm getting really good at sneaking SPAM into weddings... but if I never have to do it again, I'll be okay with that.

It's just too much of a crapshoot on what you'll be eating it with.

I'll say this... chicken gravy was a blessing:

P-SPAMMY

2007-08-18T11:36:00.000-05:00

Or Puff SPAMMY... or whatever we're calling it these days - that's what I had for breakfast: the SPAM Puff.

Which is really just a lot of ingredients in a bowl and some trust that it will cook into something edible. But that's just how I live... on the wild side.

The good news was that I didn't know what it was supposed to look like, so success was pretty inevitable.

Here's how it went:

Eh, not bad! Although I wanted it to taste salty and it actually tasted kind of sweet, but... the mysteries of flour, I suppose. That's why I'm a spaghetti o's guy.

Anyway, I'm putting the recipe below for the loyal SPAM-loving readers (hi, Roz).

The SPAM Puff:
1/2 cup of SPAM (quarter of a can)
2 eggs
1/3 cup flour
1/3 cup milk
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon butter

Preheat your oven to 400F. While that's warming up, mix your egg, flour, milk and pepper in a bowl. After you've worked out the lumps, add your diced SPAM to the mixture. Now throw your butter in a baking dish and let it melt in the oven. Then just pour your mixture into the dish and bake for 20 minutes.

Depending on the depth of your dish, it should look like this:

One for the kids...

2007-08-17T13:02:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's the Friday talking, but I think it's time we loosen up a little bit. Enough with the neckties and the business meetings... I want legos on my desk and a blanket to wear as a cape!

I want to be a little more child and a little less angry-guy-in-traffic.

And I'm starting with today's lunch:

Hopefully that inspires you too, because if adorable SPAM shapes and letters don't do the trick, I don't know what will.

Anyway, as soon as I'm finished with this:

I'll be building a fort at my desk.

SPAM soup for the soul

2007-08-16T20:43:00.000-05:00

That's what it feels like anyway.

All good things...

2007-08-16T15:41:00.000-05:00

It's been a big day.

First of all, they are now packaging SPAM in single-serving pouches.

Deep breath. I know. It's like the ipod nano of packaged-meat.

Secondly, a certain newspaper article has me feeling like a local celebrity.

As was the case when we went to lunch today anyway, where the girl at the sandwich shop counter noted, "hey, you're that guy!"

It's fun to be recognized.

Anyway... she was either awestruck by the presence of fame or the mystique of the SPAM Single package, because she agreed to make my sandwich specially with SPAM.

Which meant I was about to eat the best SPAM Sandwich ever made:

Thinking back, I wish I would've hugged her.

It started with a casserole dish

2007-08-15T19:14:00.000-05:00

I don't know much about cooking (or serious cooking anyway), but I do know it usually involves a casserole dish. That's my loose stereotype against oven-food... something I've surely learned from television.

Anyway, that's where I thought I would start tonight when I decided to attempt "serious cooking."

And though I couldn't find a way to search for recipes by type of cookwear, I did happen upon some directions for a seemingly impressive Spaghetti Bake.

And that's all it took.

Next thing I knew, I was wearing an apron, speaking french and bowing in front of a live TV audience.

I don't know what happened... it's like Martha Stewart and I switched places in time for thirty minutes. I was a different person.

But maybe that's just what happens when you use a casserole dish. Maybe it happens to everyone! Maybe I've stumbled upon a secret that grandmothers have been hiding for years!

Lots of questions here... that's for sure.

All I know is that I made this:

And it started with a casserole dish.

Good mornings

2007-08-15T08:47:00.000-05:00

I said good morning to day 17 by cooking up some SPAM strips. And just SPAM strips... nothing else. I crave the raw heartiness of pork shoulder and ham these days. Eggs, fruit, cereal... that stuff is for the birds.

Then I said good morning to my wife by accidentally waking her up as I recreated a powerful moment from Oliver Twist, shouting "Mooooooore?" in the kitchen.

And since I'm off to such a fun start, I thought I'd say good morning to you too.

Good morning!

The power of vegetables...

2007-08-14T22:44:00.000-05:00

is a curious thing. Make a one man weep, make another man sing.

Nevermind.

I've shared my distaste for the mixing of SPAM and fruit in the past (yesterday, for example), and I stand by that... but vegetables are an entirely different story.

Tonight I introduced SPAM to pesto sauce, added some veggies, baked it all on a tortilla shell and ended up with an incredible lavash-like pizza.

Lavizza, if you will.

And it was so freaking good that I'm going to show you how to make it on your own:

I know... it's suspiciously easy, but that's exactly how it's done. And provided you didn't skip any of those steps, you should have something that looks like this:

Feeling pretty good about it? Well guess what... that was lesson #3!

Surprise! I just didn't want to tell you because I thought you'd be nervous! Man, this is what cooking is all about!

More than a feeling... that's the power of vegetables.

Baby sandwiches

2007-08-14T12:29:00.001-05:00

My friend Ryan opened a local sandwich shop and brought us samples today. It's normally some kind of chicken salad recipe, but I've taken the liberty of repackaging it with SPAM.

Together we'd be unstoppable.

7 Things You Learn While Eating SPAM for 30 Days

2007-08-13T19:04:00.000-05:00

1. What was once "irregular" is now "regular."
It's the first thing you'll notice. And I'm sorry if it's too much information, but you- and your coworkers- deserve a heads up. Maybe you call this a deal-breaker. I call it the nature of the beast.

2. Stop making extras... no one else wants any.
No matter how good it looks, people are skeptical. Unless they show interest up front, don't even waste your food. Either that, or plan ahead and trick them into eating it.

3. It is not proper etiquette to bring SPAM to a wedding.
Although most wedding guests find this extremely amusing, brides certainly do not. Also on the list of the displeased will be parents and grandparents of the wedding party. Mothers in particular are an indignant bunch. Just be careful.

4. 1% of people care about recipes, the rest just want to laugh at you.
People will take interest, they really will... but not because they want to create their own personal database of SPAM meals. They follow along purely to watch you eat things they find disgusting, hoping today is the day you're life-flighted to the hospital.

5. "Winging it" does not work.
You absolutely have to plan your meals. Rice krispies and peanut butter may have flown back in the old days, but SPAM is not that flexible. Take it easy, Mr. Wizard... you can go back to being experimental a month from now.

6. If you've had it once, you're an expert.
No one knows anything about SPAM. If you have more than two SPAM recipes, you should go ahead and sign up to teach a class.

7. Real meat lasts forever.
You can't keep fresh chicken on a pantry shelf for four years. End of story. It's the cooked-in-the-can wonders of SPAM like this which separate it from the petty, expiring meats most people pay money for at the grocery store.

Tyler 1, McDonalds 0

2007-08-13T13:01:00.000-05:00

My stomach just took a beating... in the very best way.

Really, that's the mark of a great meal in my book - how fast it sends you running for the bathroom. I mean that literally too. You can't be walking... it has to be a hobbled sprint against time. That's just the rule.

A rule that this tender McRib look-a-like played by:

On top of tasting great, it was also an easy make. I brought the onions ready-to-go from home, cooked the Hot & Spicy SPAM in the microwave and just gave everything a bath in bbq sauce.

The only thing missing was jalapeño, but I'm not complaining. McDonalds still had nothing on me today.

Milestones

2007-08-13T08:49:00.000-05:00

Today marks Day 15 of my adventure - the halfway point. And I say that like it's the opposite of a mid-life crisis. I'm only halfway there!

So that's exciting.

What's not exciting was the breakfast I decided to invent this morning. Having seen a number of recipes incorporate pineapple, I thought... maybe other fruit can be good with SPAM too?

Mistake.

Pineapple is a fluke in the fruit-and-SPAM pairing situation. A phenomenon. I cannot explain it, but trust me, it works much better than orange juice and strawberries:

I won't describe it, but let's just say I've had better. And the "better" ones usually don't need a chaser.

SPAM is in the air

2007-08-12T19:05:00.000-05:00

It's been a whirlwind of a weekend, but I'll try to bring you up to speed. Let me start with the wedding.

First, you should know that I was serious about this:

That's a baggie of SPAM hidden in my sock. And I'm relieved to tell you the situation never called for that.

Between the buffet-style dinner and our quiet table off to the side, I was able to utilize the SPAM located in my pocket instead.

With the stealth of a mongoose, I slipped a couple slices out from under the table and added them to my dinner plate. No one noticed a thing until I started taking pictures, but I dismantled that bomb by arguing that it's something I do at every wedding and that I have an entire album of wedding dinners at home... then I was back in the clear.

I ate three kinds of meat while all the commoners ate two, but I think I earned it. And Operation Precious Cargo was a huge success:

In addition to the trifecta meal from the wedding, I also recreated an old home favorite - the BLT - in SPAM form:

My mom was eager to take credit for this one because we used her tomatoes (which she's practically sowing in the backyard).

Really, my parents were both unexpectedly excited about the whole SPAM thing. I think they even ran distraction during the wedding dinner op.

And then this morning they whipped up an amazing SPAM Potato Casserole:

How about that.

Now I've got a Grilled SPAM & Cheese on the horizon and I'm heading to bed. And looking forward to not carrying lunch around in my pants tomorrow.

Operation Precious Cargo

2007-08-11T10:18:00.000-05:00

My friend Dave is getting married today - which means a SPAMless dinner awaits me at a wedding reception tonight. This poses a problem.

What poses a larger problem is the warning email that I received from the bride earlier in the week. It would seem that she, in particular, remains unenthused about the magic of canned meat.

So I'm taking extra precaution.

I've prepared two SPAM-loaded ziplock baggies; one I will keep in my pocket, the other in my sock.

Plan A: Everyone has forgetten about the SPAM, I slip some into my meal and no one ever knows the difference. Hooray.

Plan B: I get searched at the door, I give up the SPAM baggie from my pocket and I eat in the bathroom with the backup baggie from my sock.

Regardless, you know where my loyalties are. I'll go down with this ship if I have to! God willing - I'll be back tomorrow with some photos.

Well worth it

2007-08-10T13:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I found a new SPAM flavor - one that seemed too good to be true (I think of Hot & Spicy SPAM and my mind goes to unicorns and candylands, you know?). So today's lunch was much anticipated... to say the least.

And I thought I'd really spice it up by going out for mexican food.

What I didn't think about, however, was my inability to negotiate- in spanish- the restaurant specially preparing my burrito with SPAM.

Instead, I was forced to unroll the burrito in secrecy, quickly add in my SPAM pieces and then play it real cool every time the waiter came around.

When I realized that I wasn't going to be able to roll the burrito back up, I buckled and mashed the burrito, SPAM, rice and beans all together into one pile. Like that was less obvious:

In the end, our waiter was no longer calling me "amigo," but the meal itself was just fine.

Freaking spicy:

But just fine.

The old muffin trick

2007-08-10T07:59:00.001-05:00

You know what I ate this morning? SPAM Breakfast Muffins. Because that's what some jackball out there calls these:

THOSE AREN'T MUFFINS!

How am I supposed to win the war on breakfast if I'm not even eating the right meal?! Replace that english muffin with a bun and that's the same SPAMBURGER I ate last week!

I hate being tricked!

I'm full.

2007-08-09T17:37:00.000-05:00

I received this handsome invitation in the mail today... to the release party for The Book of SPAM - where I can finally be with "my people."

Jealous?

Well then you're really not going to like this next part... because for dinner tonight, I had SPAM Mac 'n Cheese!

Alright, it wasn't that exciting. It was basically regular Mac 'n Cheese with more color. I faced the same delimma at the end anyway... to eat beyond comfort and finish the entire box or to save four spoonfuls for later. It's a lose-lose situation every time.

I chose to finish the box, so here's a photo before I go lie down:

A little more appropriate

2007-08-09T12:36:00.000-05:00

Quiche... the fickle morning mistress

2007-08-09T08:36:00.000-05:00

I got up this morning with the intention of making a SPAM Quiche. There are so many things wrong with that statement, but what's worse is that I backed out. Pie crust! You know how much time that takes?!

Anyway, it couldn't be done. I ended up settling for some sort of SPAM Scramble with the ingredients I already had out - even though my mind was preoccupied with my new nemesis.

The Quiche's victory this morning puts the breakfast battle back at even; 1-1. But you can be damn sure that I'm coming out firing tomorrow.

Welcome back, 1991

2007-08-08T12:22:00.000-05:00

I think that was the last time I ate meatloaf. I don't know. What I do know is that it never tasted this good. But... that's probably because we never made it with SPAM.

Take a look at this:

Feeling nostalgic? That little slice of heaven only took 3.5 minutes in the microwave. That's it! How do you feel about Rachel Ray now?

You don't have to answer.

I'm gonna get back to loving my lunch:

For you SPAMFANATICS, here's the recipe:
+ 6 oz SPAM (half a can)
+ Dry Onion Soup mix
+ Saltine Crackers
+ 1 Egg
+ Ketchup
+ Brown Sugar

Crumble a handful of saltine crackers into a bowl. Add about 1/3 of your pack of dry onion soup mix. Add your egg. Then mash up your SPAM with this mixture (it takes a very thorough mashing). When your ingredients have become one, form it into classic meatloaf shape on your plate. In a separate dish, mix your ketchup and brown sugar and then glaze your SPAMloaf to your liking. Pop it in the microwave (I would consider covering it) for just over 3 minutes... and ta-da!

IHOSP

2007-08-08T09:25:00.000-05:00

I waged war against breakfast this morning by taking SPAM for a ride on the pancake train:

See those dark specks on the surface there? Those are finely chopped pieces of SPAM. And there's almost half a can in there.

Take a good look because this is what real breakfast looks like, my friends... this is what the champions eat.

Hey SPAM Fajita!

2007-08-07T22:06:00.000-05:00

Day nine now and I'm stepping all the way out there because I did something a little crazy this afternoon. I... ate SPAM... for dessert.

Does that weird you out? Because I was a little nervous. I felt like I was meeting my long lost brother - I didn't know what he would look like or if we would act the same way...

But all that anxiety was for nothing. Fried SPAM, sprinkled with a touch of brown sugar... literally, a treat. In fact, it should be sold in shopping mall cookie stores everywhere. That's what I say. And seeing as it was grandpa's suggestion, I think he would agree. So that's two of us.

For dinner, I facilitated the collision of two of my favorite worlds: the world of SPAM and the world of Mexican cusine.

You know what that meant:

It's like Hey Macarena, but for dinner parties instead of wedding receptions. And it was also fantastic. (I think my burps speak for themselves.)

Now I'm heading to the store to get tomorrow's necessities. I'll tell you this... I'm about to do for meatloaf what Mr. T did for mothers.

More tomorrow.

Epiphanies...

2007-08-07T09:15:00.000-05:00

Eating my SPAM Breakfast Bagel and reading the newspaper this morning I realized two things. One, that I'm turning into an old man. And I don't say that like... oh, went to bed at 10 last night... I must be getting old. This is me, enjoying the newspaper an hour and a half before work in my underwear because I enjoy it. Those are much more serious symptoms.

And two, that I'm really running out of strong breakfast ideas. I mean, isn't the SPAM Breakfast Bagel just another version of the SPAM McMuffin? I don't like that.

So I've made a new list of morning meals. SPAM in a Blanket, SPAM Quiche... these are the kinds of things you can count on in the coming days. 7:00 am is going to be a hotter time slot from now on.

That's a promise from the old man.

I'll be having justice for lunch today, thank you

2007-08-06T12:23:00.000-05:00

I happened to be in the kitchen here at work this morning when I noticed someone's packet of 90-second rice in the cupboard. This whole SPAM thing has me thinking differently because I tried to imagine what it would be like to eat plain rice for lunch, and it was terrifying.

Immediately I knew that pack of rice and my can of SPAM would never be complete without each other. I knew I was obligated, as a SPAM-patriot, to give that rice the meal it deserved! I knew my mission was for greater good!

And I don't regret my actions...

SPAM Strips

2007-08-06T08:10:00.001-05:00

I found myself singing this song about SPAM Strips over the stove this morning:

SPAM Strips,
SPAM Strips,
they make my heart so free.
They're better than bacon,
yes you'll see.
A little less for you
and more for me.
SPAAAAAM Stripppppppps!

(and yes, I quite literally mean "found myself")

How to SPAMBURGER

2007-08-05T13:57:00.000-05:00

Alright this is SPAM lesson number two - sort of a guide to grilling. If you haven't had the chance to practice lesson number one, please... stop reading this now and go back. I say that for your own good. I wouldn't ask you to train in underwater demolitions if you hadn't learned how to swim yet... this situation is no different.

Good. Now that we've lost the pansies, it's time to do some real cooking.

Here is a handsomely drawn list of ingredients:

The first thing we're gonna do is mix up a delightful little condiment concoction. Chop up a clove or two of garlic and stir it into your mustard.

Trust me here... even if you do smell like this for the rest of the night:

Next, take your SPAM, pineapple and green pepper slices out to the grill. Provided you've used a grill before, this part is fairly self-explanatory.

You'll have some of this:

A little of this:

And, of course, some of this:

After 5-7 minutes (and evenly cooking both sides), you'll have a plate that resembles this:

Wild, I know.

Your final steps: mustard up that SPAMburger bun, stack on all of your grilled goods and add lettuce... you've got yourself an official Hawaiian SPAMBURGER Hamburger.

Then just savor the moment:

Savor it real good.

The anti-hunger strike

2007-08-04T13:35:00.000-05:00

I'm hitting it hard today... I just want to warn you up front.

It started with some SPAM slices this morning. I thought I'd find out if I could cook SPAM like it was bacon. It's a laughable thought now. It was like panning for gold in a river of freaking gold - I'll leave it at that.

Regular bacon is dead to me.

For lunch I made some homemade pizza. I say "I" like I did more than add SPAM before it went in the oven... it was really all Ashley. But who needs details.

This was a top fiver:

And just when I started thinking life couldn't get much better, my good pal Sam invites me over for to grill out tonight. That means it's SPAMBURGER HAMBURGER time!

I don't remember the life I was living before, but I'm not looking back.

Side note

2007-08-04T09:46:00.000-05:00

Over the past few days, I've started receiving meal suggestions via email. Some of these are realistic recommendations from fellow SPAMFANS, others are just blatant challenges from instigators.

Seeing as I have 24 days left to fill here, I'm open to both. Cottage cheese and mayonnaise excluded, I say let's do this.

The joy of sharing

2007-08-03T13:46:00.000-05:00

Hey, Friday is picking up! I took a tupperware full of SPAM cubes to Fazolis for lunch today. Now that I'm receiving a little less guff from my coworkers, I thought I'd get back out in the world.

I ordered Fettuccine Alfredo and turned down the chicken add-on, noting to the woman at the counter, "it's okay, I brought something better." She was unamused to say the least.

Back at the table, I yan-can-cooked it up by adding my SPAM cubes to the pasta, and- boom!- SPAMuccine Alfredo was born:

But that wasn't the real miracle of the day...

As I was enjoying my SPAMucine, I noticed my friend Craiggers watching me eat. A moment went by before I paused and turned to him. The entire table quieted. His eyes were aflicker.

My mind immediately went to flashbacks - cafeterias, bullies, mashed potato all over my face... and for a moment I considered bolting for the door. But it was too late.

Craiggers leaned over, stuck his fork into my pasta and took a bite.

Alright... really it was more like, "Hey, can I try that?" And, "Heck yes, I'll even feed it to you." It just seemed like so much more.

Either way, someone in the background was certainly jealous.

Just another manic Friday

2007-08-03T08:04:00.000-05:00

I burnt my SPAM McMuffin this morning... every part of it. Now the kitchen smells like smoke and my portfolio of SPAM photography is taking a dive.

What a morning.

Hardcore lunching

2007-08-02T13:00:00.001-05:00

I don't know what you all eat for lunch while you're working, but I eat Beanie SPAMsies:

And I eat it with fury:

That's truly the only way to handle that much protein. You have to be aggressive. If I was having something like a SPAM caesar salad, things would be completely different. I'd put on a tie, comb my hair... try to be a little more appropriate.

But with Beanie SPAMsies, all formalities are out the window. Toward the end I wasn't evening using that spoon... I was just shoveling it into my mouth by hand.

Things got a little messy, but it was worth it.

Just dreams...

2007-08-02T08:40:00.001-05:00

I had a SPAM-related dream last night. No joke. And I dream a lot, so it's probably no big deal, but it is funny. From what I recall, SPAM was an actual person and we were traveling in space together.

This drawing is the exact image that I remember:

Quespamdilla

2007-08-01T20:03:00.000-05:00

Tonight's dinner:

And I can thank Ashley for that, because before she walked into the room I was looking at SPAM & Jelly or SPAM Cereal. Desperate times...

It just takes more coordination than I thought. Not the planning of the meals, but the stopping at the store. Anyone can draw a snowman, but building one is another story... you catch my drift?

The point is, I'm not perfect.

But I'm no quitter either. I will preach SPAM variety! I will show you the limitlessness of meat that comes in a can! This journey hath just begun!!

One life changing breakfast at a time...

2007-08-01T11:13:00.001-05:00

If I was going to coach you into becoming a SPAMFAN, I'd start with an easy breezy breakfast burrito.

That's what I had today, and it made me late for work. Not because it took long to make, but because I wanted to show you the way. I guess that's just the nature of my SPAM spirit.

Early FYI, you're going to need these ingredients:

From there it's pretty easy. STEP ONE is to get the SPAM cooking on the stove. I used Hickory Smoke flavor and it smelled like bacon - which was nice:

After your SPAM begins to show some signs of cooking you're going to need to throw in those onions. That's STEP TWO:

Now things are moving pretty quickly. STEP THREE calls for your scrambled egg mix. You should consider adding a little chili powder right now - but only if you're feeling wild. Which I was:

Now that your eggs are almost finished you'll want to toss on the tomato. I don't like my tomato to cook too much, so make STEP FOUR kind of a "finale" at the stove:

STEP FIVE is the last one. Add everything to your tortilla, pour on some hot sauce and roll that sucker up (yes... some of us roll tortillas better than others, it's nothing to be ashamed of):

And there you have it! You're probably anxious to learn more, but I think (and I say this as your coach) that you should practice this one for a while first.

Baby steps, my friends... you'll get there.

SPAM meatballs

2007-07-31T23:19:00.001-05:00

I'm not going to apologize for the late-night post because I'm still coming down from a dinner high that you don't even know. I treated myself to a romantic meal for one this evening... a little Spaghetti and SPAM meatballs - or SPAMballs? I don't know, but it's my new favorite.

Note the excitement here:

I was inspired to put more effort into my meals earlier today when I received a taunting email from grandpa. He noted that my little flash-in-the-pan 30 day run was nothing compared to the amount of SPAM he used to eat. Then he threw a handful of glamorous recipes in my face.

Needless to say, my SPAM Sandwich was starting to look pretty petty.

So tonight I wanted to raise the bar for myself. Now did I- at any point- yell, "BAM!" while I was cooking? Truthfully, yes. But look at this!:

(At least try to appreciate how hard it was to take that photo)

Here was my actual dinner:

And here I am enjoying it:

Despite the sauce all over my face, I think I've grown a lot today.
And that's pretty impressive for a "day 02."

Here's why you should be eating breakfast...

2007-07-31T10:22:00.000-05:00

This morning - largely due to the fact that I forgot to go to the store for english muffins - I ate SPAM & Eggs again. I know, I know... but I'm only one man. I decided to make the most of it by documenting this wondrous breakfast-making process.

But low and behold, the entire meal takes 80 seconds and there's hardly time for photos while you're scrambling. I'll get better, I swear. But for now, here are three key parts to the scrambling process:

Day 01... a success

2007-07-30T22:20:00.000-05:00

I think I'd like to preface all of this by noting that my wife of one week is a vegetarian. Telling her I wanted to eat SPAM for 30 days was like telling her that I hated children and all animal babies. Fortunately she has agreed to drive me to the hospital "when the cholesterol strikes."

That being said, guess who had SPAM and eggs for breakfast! Right out of the gate sprinting! That's how I started. Which was easy because I was in the privacy of my own home and not being mocked by my coworkers.

Which is more than I can say for lunchtime - where my handsome SPAM sandwich found about as much appreciation as an elevator SBD.

I'll give you a glimpse:

Not bad, right? Unfortunately, I was the only one who brought lunch into the restaurant, so that was a little awkward. I ordered a beer just to redeem myself as a customer.

Ahh... I have much to learn about taking my canned-meat message to the streets.

Dinner was a little easier. Ashley made SPAM Fried Rice (a very promising sign for the marriage) and aside from a little gas, life is good.

All in all, I'm calling Day 01 a success.

The pickup

2007-07-29T22:53:00.000-05:00

I just got back from the store - loading up for the next thirty days. I'll be straight with you... this is a hell of a lot of SPAM.

Some rules

2007-07-29T21:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, so you should know the guidelines.

Day 01
Breakfast: something with SPAM in it
Lunch: something with SPAM in it
Dinner: something with SPAM in it

Day 02-30
Repeat

You get the idea. All 12 or 13 varieties of SPAM are allowed. I'm gonna shoot for a can of SPAM/day. I'll be getting most of my recipes off the internet, starting at SPAM.com, but if you have ideas or requests, please let me know.

And of course, I'll be keeping you all apprised of my progress with daily story and photo updates. In fact, I'll try to be more frequent than that.

Go time.

The day is upon us

2007-07-28T14:45:00.000-05:00

It's true... I am going to eat SPAM in every meal for 30 days. Most people aren't as worried about the "how" as much as the "why," but my reasons for embarking on this SPAM journey are quite sound.

For starters, the timing feels right. 2007 is the 70th anniversary of the invention of SPAM. It's also the Chinese Year of the Pig. That, my friends, is the stars aligning. I don't need further motivation, but there's more. In less than a month, the most anticipated book in the history of meat-tribute publishing is hitting shelves. I'm talking about The Book of SPAM. Throw in the fact that SPAMalot the musical is touring the country, and well...

My point is that there’s a Category 5 SPAM storm happening out there and I want to be a part of it.

And it dawned on me. I could eat SPAM every meal starting on July 30th, 2007. That would give me three weeks of physical and mental preparation for when The Book of SPAM comes out on August 21st. And by week four, I would finally be ready to savor a bite of SPAM with every page of the book!

It's perfect.

And come August 28th, when it's all said and done, I can look back on my journey with pride... one strong SPAMFAN stronger.