You guys may or may not share my enthusiasm for the miracle that is canned meat - and that's alright - but I think we should all be celebrating this:
Because SPAMFAN or not, this book has the answers to your questions.
I, for one, will savoring it anyway - for my final six and a half days. So I'll let you know how it goes.
Based on a first glance, I think it may hit pretty close to home: