Saturday, August 11, 2007

Operation Precious Cargo

My friend Dave is getting married today - which means a SPAMless dinner awaits me at a wedding reception tonight. This poses a problem.

What poses a larger problem is the warning email that I received from the bride earlier in the week. It would seem that she, in particular, remains unenthused about the magic of canned meat.

So I'm taking extra precaution.

I've prepared two SPAM-loaded ziplock baggies; one I will keep in my pocket, the other in my sock.

Plan A: Everyone has forgetten about the SPAM, I slip some into my meal and no one ever knows the difference. Hooray.

Plan B: I get searched at the door, I give up the SPAM baggie from my pocket and I eat in the bathroom with the backup baggie from my sock.

Regardless, you know where my loyalties are. I'll go down with this ship if I have to! God willing - I'll be back tomorrow with some photos.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Well worth it

Yesterday I found a new SPAM flavor - one that seemed too good to be true (I think of Hot & Spicy SPAM and my mind goes to unicorns and candylands, you know?). So today's lunch was much anticipated... to say the least.

And I thought I'd really spice it up by going out for mexican food.

What I didn't think about, however, was my inability to negotiate- in spanish- the restaurant specially preparing my burrito with SPAM.

Instead, I was forced to unroll the burrito in secrecy, quickly add in my SPAM pieces and then play it real cool every time the waiter came around.

When I realized that I wasn't going to be able to roll the burrito back up, I buckled and mashed the burrito, SPAM, rice and beans all together into one pile. Like that was less obvious:

In the end, our waiter was no longer calling me "amigo," but the meal itself was just fine.

Freaking spicy:

But just fine.

The old muffin trick

You know what I ate this morning? SPAM Breakfast Muffins. Because that's what some jackball out there calls these:


How am I supposed to win the war on breakfast if I'm not even eating the right meal?! Replace that english muffin with a bun and that's the same SPAMBURGER I ate last week!

I hate being tricked!

Thursday, August 9, 2007

I'm full.

I received this handsome invitation in the mail today... to the release party for The Book of SPAM - where I can finally be with "my people."


Well then you're really not going to like this next part... because for dinner tonight, I had SPAM Mac 'n Cheese!

Alright, it wasn't that exciting. It was basically regular Mac 'n Cheese with more color. I faced the same delimma at the end anyway... to eat beyond comfort and finish the entire box or to save four spoonfuls for later. It's a lose-lose situation every time.

I chose to finish the box, so here's a photo before I go lie down:

A little more appropriate

Quiche... the fickle morning mistress

I got up this morning with the intention of making a SPAM Quiche. There are so many things wrong with that statement, but what's worse is that I backed out. Pie crust! You know how much time that takes?!

Anyway, it couldn't be done. I ended up settling for some sort of SPAM Scramble with the ingredients I already had out - even though my mind was preoccupied with my new nemesis.

The Quiche's victory this morning puts the breakfast battle back at even; 1-1. But you can be damn sure that I'm coming out firing tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Welcome back, 1991

I think that was the last time I ate meatloaf. I don't know. What I do know is that it never tasted this good. But... that's probably because we never made it with SPAM.

Take a look at this:

Feeling nostalgic? That little slice of heaven only took 3.5 minutes in the microwave. That's it! How do you feel about Rachel Ray now?

You don't have to answer.

I'm gonna get back to loving my lunch:

For you SPAMFANATICS, here's the recipe:
+ 6 oz SPAM (half a can)
+ Dry Onion Soup mix
+ Saltine Crackers
+ 1 Egg
+ Ketchup
+ Brown Sugar

Crumble a handful of saltine crackers into a bowl. Add about 1/3 of your pack of dry onion soup mix. Add your egg. Then mash up your SPAM with this mixture (it takes a very thorough mashing). When your ingredients have become one, form it into classic meatloaf shape on your plate. In a separate dish, mix your ketchup and brown sugar and then glaze your SPAMloaf to your liking. Pop it in the microwave (I would consider covering it) for just over 3 minutes... and ta-da!


I waged war against breakfast this morning by taking SPAM for a ride on the pancake train:

See those dark specks on the surface there? Those are finely chopped pieces of SPAM. And there's almost half a can in there.

Take a good look because this is what real breakfast looks like, my friends... this is what the champions eat.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Hey SPAM Fajita!

Day nine now and I'm stepping all the way out there because I did something a little crazy this afternoon. I... ate SPAM... for dessert.

Does that weird you out? Because I was a little nervous. I felt like I was meeting my long lost brother - I didn't know what he would look like or if we would act the same way...

But all that anxiety was for nothing. Fried SPAM, sprinkled with a touch of brown sugar... literally, a treat. In fact, it should be sold in shopping mall cookie stores everywhere. That's what I say. And seeing as it was grandpa's suggestion, I think he would agree. So that's two of us.

For dinner, I facilitated the collision of two of my favorite worlds: the world of SPAM and the world of Mexican cusine.

You know what that meant:

It's like Hey Macarena, but for dinner parties instead of wedding receptions. And it was also fantastic. (I think my burps speak for themselves.)

Now I'm heading to the store to get tomorrow's necessities. I'll tell you this... I'm about to do for meatloaf what Mr. T did for mothers.

More tomorrow.


Eating my SPAM Breakfast Bagel and reading the newspaper this morning I realized two things. One, that I'm turning into an old man. And I don't say that like... oh, went to bed at 10 last night... I must be getting old. This is me, enjoying the newspaper an hour and a half before work in my underwear because I enjoy it. Those are much more serious symptoms.

And two, that I'm really running out of strong breakfast ideas. I mean, isn't the SPAM Breakfast Bagel just another version of the SPAM McMuffin? I don't like that.

So I've made a new list of morning meals. SPAM in a Blanket, SPAM Quiche... these are the kinds of things you can count on in the coming days. 7:00 am is going to be a hotter time slot from now on.

That's a promise from the old man.

Monday, August 6, 2007

I'll be having justice for lunch today, thank you

I happened to be in the kitchen here at work this morning when I noticed someone's packet of 90-second rice in the cupboard. This whole SPAM thing has me thinking differently because I tried to imagine what it would be like to eat plain rice for lunch, and it was terrifying.

Immediately I knew that pack of rice and my can of SPAM would never be complete without each other. I knew I was obligated, as a SPAM-patriot, to give that rice the meal it deserved! I knew my mission was for greater good!

And I don't regret my actions...

SPAM Strips

I found myself singing this song about SPAM Strips over the stove this morning:

SPAM Strips,
SPAM Strips,
they make my heart so free.
They're better than bacon,
yes you'll see.
A little less for you
and more for me.
SPAAAAAM Stripppppppps!

(and yes, I quite literally mean "found myself")

Sunday, August 5, 2007


Alright this is SPAM lesson number two - sort of a guide to grilling. If you haven't had the chance to practice lesson number one, please... stop reading this now and go back. I say that for your own good. I wouldn't ask you to train in underwater demolitions if you hadn't learned how to swim yet... this situation is no different.

Good. Now that we've lost the pansies, it's time to do some real cooking.

Here is a handsomely drawn list of ingredients:

The first thing we're gonna do is mix up a delightful little condiment concoction. Chop up a clove or two of garlic and stir it into your mustard.

Trust me here... even if you do smell like this for the rest of the night:

Next, take your SPAM, pineapple and green pepper slices out to the grill. Provided you've used a grill before, this part is fairly self-explanatory.

You'll have some of this:

A little of this:

And, of course, some of this:

After 5-7 minutes (and evenly cooking both sides), you'll have a plate that resembles this:

Wild, I know.

Your final steps: mustard up that SPAMburger bun, stack on all of your grilled goods and add lettuce... you've got yourself an official Hawaiian SPAMBURGER Hamburger.

Then just savor the moment:

Savor it real good.